This is part of our new series ~ Share YOUR Truth. Giving all of you a chance to share your truth, celebrate it, embrace it and proudly be who you really are…
The journey to motherhood has stripped me bare, left me in my darkest… and given me the chance to find light, to let go, and to really look into the eyes of who stares back at me from the mirror.
The infertility journey. While not alone, still a path that feels so…very much alone. Teeth baring, ready for the fights- with doctors, with self…
My body was my source of distrust and disgust. An already low self-image, torn apart and ballooning in front of my critical eyes. My body was my source of hatred. Not only did I find it absolutely appalling, but now it was failing me, failing my dreams, failing my future… my young body, a barren waste land.
so harsh, but I had worse things to say about it. I was the biggest bully to the weakest woman, myself.
Part of my self-therapy during my fertility journey was finding ways to accept my body, accept where I was on the journey, accept who I was- and any emotions that came with it. I began taking nude and semi-nude self portraits of myself. Sometimes the fog would lift from my vision and I’d see this curvy, beautiful goddess… but if I stared too long- the image warped.
It was a start.
Sometimes I wrote beautiful things about that body, and other times I wrote ugly things about it.
That positive test…
I prepared myself for the worst, prepared myself to fight, prepared myself that this too would be a struggle. That I was not meant for things to be handed easily.
And then this incredible love harvested… already, my baby my most beautiful creation… the thought that my baby- who would one day be a person with their own thoughts and opinions might not see the beauty and love in them- that I already have, killed me… and then I realised that that must be the same way my mom sees me…
It hurts so much to think of the person you most love, who you find the most beautiful- to not see that beauty in themselves… to not realise how wonderful they are, inside and out.
My body blossoms. It isn’t perfect… but it’s so perfect. It’s beautiful. My body shifts and gives way… my hips spread, my thighs rub, my body carries life*. My body carries the love shared with my husband.
How could I not begin to love myself then too?
I give myself permission to love this body. this body before pregnancy, during, and after.
I think that sometimes, our society of women feel like we aren’t allowed to love who we are, who we see in the mirror… constantly surrounded by self-criticism. Self- doubt.
And I’m tired of wasting my time feeling anything but love for myself.
Sure, I have things about my body that I’d love to change… like any woman.
But I’m choosing to not let those things hold me back from loving this body… from loving myself.
My truth is; I love my imperfect… perfectly perfect body.
My truth is; I give myself permission to love myself as much as I love others.
My truth is; I’ve never been happier since giving up that ugly worry and thought about my image in the mirror…
My truth: I love myself. (why does that feel like such a confession?)
*I don’t want anyone going through their own (in)fertility journey to feel like they have to get pregnant to be able to heal themselves. The entire journey has been a major healing process, finding my strength, learning to love myself. Make the vow right now to give yourself permission… regardless of how your baby finds you.
About Erin, in her own words:
i am inspired to inspire.
nothing pleases me more than knowing that i have inspired someone to pick up and do what it is that they love, but forgot how to enjoy it…
to try something new, to explore new worlds.
i consider myself an artist, but i am merely the vessel – a Creative flows through me when and how she wishes… i am at her beck.
i aspire to embrace my journey. live in the moment and love with all of my heart.
i was raised in the united states and found my soulmate in ireland. he pushed me to begin with the lens and is my greatest advocate and teacher. he is my best friend, and without him i’d still be searching for myself.
together, we live among my mess of paint and brushes in a little town in Co. Galway, Ireland.
Want to share your truth here on Visionary Mom? We would SO LOVE to hear from you. Details can be found here.